Recipes

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16-Cent Soft Pretzels

These pretzels have all the great taste and texture of Auntie What’s-Her-Name’s at about 4% of the price! I’ve tailored this recipe to make the dough in the bread machine because I’m not a masochist. The sweetness of this pretzel works great with cinnamon and sugar as well as more traditional toppings.

Ingredients

  • 2/3 cup Warm Water
  • 1/4 cup White Sugar
  • 3/4 tsp. Salt
  • 2-1/2 cups Bread Flour
  • 2 tsp. Active Dry Yeast
  • 4 cups Water
  • 1/2 cup Baking Soda
  • Kosher Salt, Poppy Seeds, Sesame Seeds, or Cinnamon Sugar

Directions

  1. Add warm water, sugar, salt, flour, and yeast to bread machine pan in order listed.
  2. Select Dough cycle and press Start.
  3. Relax and smile the smug smile of someone who knows that they don’t have any mixing, kneading, or rising to attend to.
  4. Just before dough cycle is complete, put four cups of water into a large glass bowl, and microwave for about 5 minutes until almost boiling. Make sure the bowl is large enough! It should be no more than 1/2 full of water.
  5. Add baking soda to water and stir to incorporate. It will foam up like an elementary school science project volcano. Hence the need for the large bowl.
  6. Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees.
  7. When dough cycle is complete, remove dough from pan and knead briefly on a very lightly floured surface.
  8. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper.
  9. Cut dough into 12 equally sized pieces.
  10. Roll each piece of dough out with your hands into a long snake. The longer and thinner it is, the easier it will be to shape.
  11. Hold each end of the dough snake and flip it so it twists twice. Then lay on the lightly floured surface and tuck the ends over the center of the loop to create the traditional pretzel shape.
  12. Slide a thin spatula under your shaped pretzel and dip it in the water and baking soda mixture. Make sure the dough it is entirely coated, but don’t soak it. Your pretzel should only be in the water for about five to ten seconds.
  13. Lift pretzel out of the water and baking soda mixture with the spatula, and arrange it on the prepared baking sheet. Make sure there is plenty of space between each pretzel.
  14. Sprinkle with Kosher Salt, Poppy Seeds, Sesame Seeds, Cinnamon Sugar, or whatever floats your boat.
  15. Repeat steps 10 through 14 until all dough has been used.
  16. Bake in preheated oven for 9-10 minutes until dark brown.
  17. Remove from oven and immediately transfer to a cooling rack.
  18. Enjoy with spicy mustard, fondue, or just as they are!

 

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Cheesecake Cups

These cupcake style cheesecakes have all of the great flavor and texture of their larger cousins, but they’re easier to share! And the crust is so simple you’ll feel like you’re cheating. 

Ingredients

  • 16 ‘Nilla Wafers
  • 2 (8 oz.) Packages of Cream Cheese
  • 3/4 cup White Sugar
  • 1/4 cup plus 2 tbsp. Whole Milk
  • 2 Large Eggs
  • 1/2 cup Sour Cream
  • 1 1/2 tsp. Vanilla Extract
  • 2 tbsp. All-Purpose Flour

Directions

  1. Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees.
  2. Line a cupcake tin with paper cupcake liners. (This should make about 16 in a standard-sized cupcake tin.)
  3. Place one ‘Nilla Wafer in the bottom of each cupcake liner. (Easiest. Crust. Ever.)
  4. In a large bowl or stand mixer, blend cream cheese with sugar until smooth.
  5. Blend in milk and then eggs, one at a time, mixing until just combined.
  6. Add sour cream, vanilla, and flour, and beat until smooth.
  7. Spoon cream cheese mixture into prepared cupcake tins to about 2/3 full.
  8. Wipe any drips off the cupcake tin with a damp paper towel. (You’ll thank me.)
  9. Bake in pre-heated oven for 45-50 minutes, until tops just begin to brown.
  10. Allow cups to cool slowly over about 60 minutes by turning the oven off and cracking the door.
  11. Chill in the refrigerator.
  12. Garnish with fruity pie filling, crumbled cookies, or your favorite cheesecake topping.
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Razzleberry Tarts

These tarts are a hot mess of ooey-gooey goodness, and as an added bonus they are quite large. These are the absolute best when still warm out of the oven, but if any are left over (Ha ha ha… yeah, right!) they can be re-heated by covering in foil and warming them in a 350 degree oven for about 10 minutes. The crust is the tried-and-true recipe everyone knows and loves, and can be used for many different varieties of pies and tarts. Warning: Do NOT wear a white shirt while eating!

THE CRUST

Ingredients

  • 2 cups All-Purpose Flour
  • 1 tsp. Salt
  • 2/3 cup + 2 tbsp. Shortening
  • About 6 tbsp. ice cold water

Directions

    1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
    2. Place several ice cubes in a large drinking glass or Pyrex measuring cup and add cold water. Set aside.
    3. Mix flour and salt in a large bowl.
    4. Add shortening and combine with a pastry blender until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs.
    5. Slowly add ice cold water, thoroughly combining with flour mixture until the dough pulls away from the side of the bowl and is joined into one large, slightly moist lump.
    6. Turn approximately half the dough out onto a floured surface, flipping until the exterior is coated in dry flour.
    7. Press down with your hands into a very rough approximation of the shape you want.
    8. Use a floured rolling pin to roll dough until it is less than 1/4 inch thick. Thinner is better (1/8 inch is ideal!) but too thin and your crust may be inundated with juices from your filling and have a soggy bottom like a toilet-training toddler.
    9. Place a single-serving aluminum pie tin upside-down on the dough, and cut with a sharp paring knife approximately one inch wider than the lip of the pan.
    10. Line pan with the dough you have just cut. It should protrude above the lip of the pan.
    11. Repeat cutting dough and lining pans until four aluminum pans have been lined with dough.
    12. Turn out remaining dough onto a floured surface, flipping until the exterior is coated in dry flour.
    13. Press down with your hands into a very rough approximation of the shape you want.
    14. Use a floured rolling pin to roll dough until it is less than 1/4 inch thick.  Again, 1/8 inch is ideal.
    15. Use a clean ruler as a guide and cut dough into 1/2 inch wide strips with a pizza cutter.
    16. Set strips aside, and keep the ice water handy.

Sneaky Trick: Don’t have a pastry blender?  A fork held in each hand will also perform this task admirably. Just pull them across one another against the bottom of the bowl until you have that crumbly consistency you want.

THE PIE

Ingredients

  • 16 oz. Frozen Mixed Berries or Fresh Berries (Blackberries, Blueberries, Raspberries, and Strawberries are the traditional mix, but go crazy!)
  • 3/4 cup White Sugar
  • 1/4 cup Corn Starch
  • 4 tbsp. Margarine
  • 1 Egg White, Beaten

Directions

  1. Pour frozen mixed berries into a large bowl to defrost while you are preparing your crust. If they’re slow to thaw, pop them in the microwave on a defrost setting for a few minutes. They don’t need to be completely soft, just not hard as a rock. Your berries can also be fresh.
  2. Cut any extra-large mutant strawberries until they are about the same size as the blackberries and raspberries.
  3. Add sugar and corn starch to berries and combine.  Avoid crushing berries as much as possible while mixing.
  4. Spoon berry mixture into prepared pie crusts and dot each tart with 1 tbsp. margarine, cut into a few small pieces.
  5. Moisten ends of dough strips with ice water and use strips to create a lattice pattern on the top of each tart.
  6. Press the ends of the lattice strips into edges of bottom crust, dipping your fingers into the ice water to help them adhere if they’re stubborn.
  7. Crimp edges of bottom crust and lattice strips around the edges of the pans.
  8. Put tarts on a cookie sheet lined with aluminum foil. (If you skip this step, you will have to clean your oven and stand on a chair to turn off the smoke detector. Just sayin’.)
  9. Brush crust with beaten egg white.
  10. Bake in pre-heated oven for 40-45 minutes, until pastry has browned and filling is bubbly.
  11. Serve with vanilla ice cream or lightly sweetened whipped cream.

Sneaky trick: Don’t want to go to the trouble of making a lattice crust, but want it to look like you slaved over the proverbial hot stove for hours? Roll top crusts and trim to about 1/2 inch wider than the top rim of the pans. Use small cookie cutters to make shaped holes in the dough and set cut-outs aside. Attach top crust to the tart, and dab the dough cut-outs with a little ice water. Reattach the cut-outs over the holes you made in the crust, but slightly off center from where the holes are. This will vent your tarts and give you a snazzy look.

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Purple-icious Coleslaw

If you’ve been looking for an excuse to buy a food processor, this is just the ticket. However, if you insist on doing this by hand, you might want to keep the band-aids handy as it will require a LOT of grating and chopping. This coleslaw has all of the cabbage (and more) of a traditional recipe, with a sweet, tangy dressing that even people who don’t like coleslaw will enjoy.

Ingredients

  • 1/2 Large Head of Green Cabbage
  • 1/4 Large Head of Red Cabbage (Who are we kidding? It’s purple!)
  • 4 Large Carrots
  • 1/2 inch Center Slice of a Large Onion
  • 1/3 cup White Sugar
  • 1/2 tsp. Salt
  • 1/4 tsp. Ground Black Pepper
  • 1/4 cup Whole Milk
  • 1/2 cup Mayonnaise
  • 1/4 cup Buttermilk
  • 1 1/2 tbsp. White Wine Vinegar
  • 2 1/2 tbsp. Lemon Juice

Directions

  1. Slice the Green Cabbage and Red Cabbage into sections suitable for your food processor, removing the toughest part of the center cores and stems.
  2. Run the Onion, Green Cabbage, Red Cabbage, and Carrots through the food processor using the grater attachment. (If you have a small food processor, you can do this in several batches.)
  3. Transfer vegetable mixture to a large bowl, and mix until all vegetables are distributed evenly.
  4. In a separate bowl, combine sugar, salt, ground black pepper, milk, mayonnaise, buttermilk, white wine vinegar, and lemon juice, and whisk together until thoroughly combined.
  5. Pour over vegetable mixture and mix until all vegetables are well coated.
  6. Cover and refrigerate at least one hour or overnight. The dressing will soak into the vegetables and will turn purple from the cabbage, too!
  7. Toss to ensure even distribution of the dressing before serving.

Sneaky Trick: If you want a finer texture for your slaw, chop everything in the food processor a second time using the chopping blade after grating. If you want a chunkier texture, use the slicer attachment instead of the grater attachment. The world is your oyster when you have a food processor!

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Peanutbutter “Pupcakes”

April Fools! This recipe is just for your canine companion. It’s perfect for a Dachshund dessert, a Terrier tea party, or a Schipperke snack! This recipe makes about 18 drool-inducing mini-pupcakes.

Ingredients

  • 1 Large Egg
  • 1/3 cup Peanut Butter
  • 1/4 cup Vegetable Oil
  • 1/3 cup Honey
  • 3-4 Carrots (enough for 1 cup when shredded)
  • 1 cup All Purpose Flour
  • 1 tsp. Baking Soda
  • 1/3 cup Quick Cooking Oats

Directions

  1. Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees.
  2. Line a mini-cupcake tin with paper cupcake liners.
  3. Shred the ever-lovin’ crap out of 3-4 carrots.  (I use the grater attachment on the food processor, and then run the chopping blade to completely beat them into shredded submission.)
  4. Combine egg, peanut butter, vegetable oil, honey, and shredded carrots in a large bowl. (This will be a very thick batter, so do yourself a favor and use a stand mixer unless you have an extra-strong mixing spoon and a desire for hand cramps.)
  5. Add flour, baking soda, and oats to bowl and mix until well combined.  Dough will be the consistency of a very firm cookie dough.
  6. Roll into small balls and lightly press into prepared cupcake tin.
  7. Bake for 15-20 minutes, until tops begin to brown.
  8. Cool, and “frost” with some additional peanut butter mixed with flour to attain a good consistency for piping.
  9. Garnish with a tiny slice of carrot, or sprinkle with finely grated carrot.
  10. BONE Appetit!
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Dadgum Biscuits & Gravy

I spent a few years in Texas, and this dish is something that everyone is required to learn to make before they’ll issue you a Concealed Handgun License. These biscuits are freakin’ fantastic, and my gravy has a not-so-traditional twist or two that gives it a lot of savory flavor. Y’all are fixin’ to be full as a tick!

THE BISCUITS

This makes about six biscuits, so double the recipe if you’re hungry enough to eat the south end of a northbound mule.

Ingredients

  • 2 cups All-Purpose Flour
  • 1 tablespoon Baking Powder
  • 1 teaspoon Salt
  • 1 tablespoon White Sugar
  • 1/3 cup Shortening
  • 1 cup Milk

Directions

    1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
    2. In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, salt, and sugar.
    3. Cut in the shortening until the mixture resembles coarse meal.
    4. Gradually stir in milk until dough pulls away from the side of the bowl.
    5. Turn out onto a floured surface, and knead.
    6. Roll dough out to 1/2 inch thick. Dust with flour and fold twice.
    7. Roll dough out to 1/2 inch thick. Dust with flour and fold twice.
    8. Roll dough out to 1/2 inch thick. Dust with flour and fold twice.
    9. Roll dough out to 1/2 inch thick. Dust with flour and fold twice.
    10. Roll dough out to 1/2 inch thick. Dust with flour and fold twice.
    11. Roll dough out to 1/2 inch thick. Dust with flour and fold twice.
    12. Roll dough out to a full inch thick. (Aren’t you glad I didn’t say, “Dust with flour and fold twice.” again?)
    13. Cut biscuits from rolled dough with a pint glass dipped in flour.
    14. Repeat until all dough is used.
    15. Place biscuits onto a foil-lined baking sheet very lightly sprayed with cooking spray.  (You can omit the cooking spray if you’re feeling lucky, but why risk it?)
    16. Bake for 12 to 14 minutes, until edges begin to brown.
    17. Remove from oven and set aside.

 

THE GRAVY

Ingredients

  • 2 tbsp.  Cooking Oil
  • 3/4 cup Chopped Onion
  • 1 lb. Ground Beef
  • 1 tsp. Garlic Powder
  • 2 tbsp. All-Purpose Flour
  • 2 cups Whole Milk
  • Salt & Pepper to taste

Directions

  1. Heat cooking oil in large skillet over medium-high heat.
  2. Add chopped onion and cook until slightly soft, just a minute or two.
  3. Add ground beef and cook until JUST brown, when the last bit of pink has barely disappeared.
  4. Do NOT drain fat from the ground beef mixture.
  5. Add garlic powder and flour and mix until all meat is well coated.
  6. Add milk and cook and stir until thick and bubbly.
  7. If gravy is too thick, add a little more milk until it’s just right.  (Keep in mind, this is no wimpy, runny gravy!)
  8. Season with salt & pepper to taste.
  9. Split biscuits in half lengthwise on a plate and smother with gravy.
  10. Say, “Gadgum!” when you taste them!
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“Secret Sauce” Pizza

The “secret” is something you probably already have in your fridge, especially if you live in the South.  This recipe, unlike other pizzas, is also heartburn free! I make my dough in the bread machine, but you can also do this in the more traditional way if you need an upper-arm workout.

THE DOUGH

Ingredients

  • 3/4 cup Warm Water
  • 1 1/2 tablespoons Olive Oil
  • 2 tablespoons White Sugar
  • 1/2 teaspoon Salt
  • 1 1/2 cups Bread Flour
  • 1 teaspoon Garlic Powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon Dried Oregano
  • 1/2 teaspoon Dried Basil
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons Active Dry Yeast

 

Directions

    1. Put all ingredients into the pan of a bread machine individually in order listed.
    2. Select Dough cycle and press Start.
    3. Have a glass or two of wine and watch your favorite cooking show.
    4. When dough cycle is complete, remove from pan and shape on a vented pizza pan
    5. Let dough rest 10 to 15 minutes after shaping before applying toppings.  It’s been through a lot and needs time to come to terms with it’s feelings.

Alternative (Masochistic) Method:  Start yeast with sugar and water. When ready, mix with remaining ingredients and knead on a floured surface until you feel the urge to look up “Bread Machines” on Amazon.  Cover and rise in a place conducive to a nap (i.e. warm and quiet) until doubled in size, about one hour.  Then shape and let rest.

(Sneaky trick: I put the oven on the “Keep Warm” setting of about 170° for just a minute or two while I’m shaping the dough, then turn it off and let the shaped dough rest in a toasty oven while I’m preparing the toppings.)

 

THE PIZZA

Ingredients

  • 2 tbsp. Olive Oil
  • 1 Large Chicken Breast
  • 1 cup Ranch Dressing
  • 2 cups Shredded Mozzarella Cheese
  • 1 Roma Tomato, diced
  • 1 1/2 cups Fresh Spinach
  • 1/4 cup Parmesan Cheese
  • 1/2 tsp. Garlic Powder
  1. Pre-heat oven to 425 degrees.
  2. Heat olive oil in a frying pan over medium-high heat.
  3. Cut chicken breast into small pieces.
  4. Cook chicken in frying pan until JUST cooked.
  5. Remove chicken from pan and put on a plate lined with paper towels.
  6. Spread ranch dressing evenly on shaped dough.
  7. Add mozzarella, cooked chicken, roma tomatoes, and spinach, being sure to add a little of the mozzarella on top of the other toppings.
  8. Sprinkle with garlic powder and parmesan cheese.
  9. Bake for 10-14 minutes (depending on how you like the crust).
  10. Cool a few minutes before cutting.
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Top Secret Brownies

This otherwise ordinary brownie recipe has a “secret ingredient” that gives these treats that shiny, crinkly top that everyone craves! You are sworn to secrecy!

Ingredients

  • 2 Squares Unsweetened Baking Chocolate
  • 1 Stick Margarine (Yes, Margarine…. NOT butter.)
  • 1 cup White Sugar
  • 2 Eggs
  • 3/4 cup All-Purpose Flour
  • 1 handful Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips (Shhhhh!)
  • 1/2 cup Chopped Walnuts (optional)

Directions

  1. Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees.
  2. Melt margarine and baking chocolate in a saucepan over medium low heat until just melted.
  3. Remove from heat and add white sugar and eggs. Stir until smooth.
  4. Add flour and stir until smooth again.
  5. While no one is looking (Remember, this is a secret!) add one handful of semi-sweet chocolate chips and stir until they have melted into the warm batter. (I know: A “handful” is awfully imprecise. No more than twenty chips will do the trick.)
  6. Pour into a 9×9 baking pan well-coated with cooking spray.
  7. Optional: Sprinkle chopped walnuts on top. (You Southerners can use those pecans y’all are crazy about if you prefer. Bless your hearts.)
  8. Bake for 30 minutes, and cool for about 30 more… if you can wait that long.
  9. Pour the milk and serve!

I have also made this recipe with duck eggs instead of chicken eggs and it turns out even more rich and decadent.  Next year, give the kids ducklings instead of chickens for Easter, and you’ll see what I mean!

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White Wine Tilapia with Cream

This is so good I never have time to take a picture! Super quick and easy to prepare, using things you probably already have in your refrigerator.  And, you can polish off that bottle of wine you use in the recipe after dinner!

Ingredients

  • Two Large Tilapia Filets
  • 4 Tblsp. Margarine
  • 1/2 cup Finely Chopped Onion
  • 1/4 Tsp. Garlic Powder
  • 1/4 Tsp. Salt
  • 1/4 Tsp. Black Pepper
  • 1/8 Tsp. Basil
  • 1 cup White Wine
  • 1 Tblsp. Corn Starch, mixed with water.
  • 1/4 cup Whipping Cream

Directions

  1. Add corn starch and just enough water to make it liquid to a sealed container and shake vigorously. (This is a great job for an energetic toddler or a rambunctious dog.) Set aside.
  2. Melt margarine in a large skillet over medium heat. (You can use butter, but it may scorch. Just sayin’!)
  3. Add onion, garlic powder, salt, pepper, and basil, and saute until onions are translucent.
  4. Add half the white wine and cook until bubbly, just a minute or two, while stirring.
  5. Lay tilapia filets on top of onion mixture and cover skillet.
  6. Remove lid after tilapia has JUST turned completely white, and turn filets. Re-cover skillet.
  7. Cook two to four minutes more, depending upon thickness of filets. Don’t overcook fish, people!
  8. Remove filets and transfer to serving plates.
  9. Reduce heat to medium-low and add remaining white wine to skillet. Cook until bubbly.
  10. Re-shake corn starch mixture and add to skillet, cooking everything until thickened. It will be quite thick and lumpy.
  11. Add whipping cream and stir in completely.
  12. If sauce is too thick add a bit more white wine.
  13. Pour wine and cream mixture over fish and serve.
  14. Get out the ingredients and make it again, because everyone will love it and you will HAVE to make more!
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Shepherd’s Pie

This is a fantastic way to get the kids (and other annoying picky eaters) to eat vegetables and the use of canned soups makes this quick and easy!  You can make this as one large pie, or use single-serving aluminum pie pans for simple serving and freezing.  

Ingredients

  • 5-7 potatoes (Not all potatoes are created equal.)
  • 1 full stick butter or margarine
  • 3/4 c whipping cream
  • 1 pound ground beef, lamb, turkey, or whatever!
  • 3/4 cup chopped onions
  • 16 oz. frozen mixed vegetables
  • 1 (10.75 ounce) can condensed cream of mushroom soup
  • 1 (10.75 ounce) can condensed cream of celery soup
  • 1 tsp. garlic powder
  • salt and pepper to taste

Directions

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
  2. Coat deep pie pan, baking dish, or single-serving tins with cooking spray. (Don’t huff the fumes!)
  3. Cook potatoes in a large pot of boiling water until tender, about 20 minutes.
  4. Drain potatoes completely and mash with butter or margarine and whipping cream. Then whip it like Devo. Add additional whipping cream if needed to get a frosting-like consistency. Set aside.
  5. In a large skillet, cook ground meat and onions until brown over medium-high heat.
  6. If you’re trying to pretend that this is a healthy dish, drain fat from pan. (I don’t.)
  7. Stir in mixed vegetables and cook until just warm.
  8. Stir in mushroom soup, celery soup, garlic powder, and salt and pepper. Heat through.
  9. Pour into prepared baking dish(es).
  10. Pipe with mashed potatoes.  Make ’em pretty!
  11. Spray tops of mashed potatoes with butter-flavored cooking spray, or mist with melted butter or margarine.
  12. Optional: Sprinkle with chopped parsley, chives, cheddar cheese, or a mixture of all.  Or get creative! Try paprika, cayenne pepper, finely minced onions or pimentos, or whatever you have handy. (I recommend you avoid chocolate sprinkles, though.)
  13. Put baking dish(es) on a cookie sheet lined with aluminum foil. THIS WILL LEAK while it cooks. The cookie sheet will keep the smoke detector from going off and the foil will keep you from having to use a chisel to clean the cookie sheet.
  14. Bake in preheated oven for 30 minutes, or until potatoes are golden and meat and vegetable mixture is hot and bubbly.
  15. If potatoes don’t brown at all, move the oven rack up and flip on the broiler for just a minute or two. Watch it like a hawk!  The potatoes can go from golden to charcoal in a heartbeat.

 

(Sneaky trick: When freezing single serve aluminum pie pans, put an empty pan upside down on top of a cooled pie, and staple the pie pans together on either side.  Then wrap in foil before putting it in the freezer. This will keep your piped potatoes all fancy.)

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